Tuesday, September 20
Sunday, September 11
Right, well firstly, I didn't bother to memorise anybody's names so forgive me if I refer to them as Lady with Big Tits, Wrestler lady etc...
Speaking of big tits, professional slutty pose merchant Pamela Anderson is in the house, reminding us all why we all now take our camcorders on holiday. I'm under the impression this is to remove the usual first week feeling of "I don't know who anyone is", but seems to have just resulted in the 'wacky' boys of the house admitting to doing a LOT of wanking.
So, Pammy chooses her most favourite bunch of sycophants and made them VIPs. Naturally, this pissed off a few of the remaining plebs, causing blonde big titted slag girl (like I said, i dont know their names yet) to call Pammy a slag. In the Big Brother house of the metaphor universe, this is when Polly the kettle refers to Bertha the Pot as a similar colour to herself.
What's confusing me is why there have been no absolute munters or old folk put in the house this time round? Is it to keep the Nuts magazine readers happy? Is it to encourage some kind of Club 18-30s naked antics without a mature parent figure spoiling the fun? I mean, the closest we've got to a munter grown up is Posh Harry Horsefucker, and he's even unbuttoned his shirt top button and started drinking generically labelled lager with the rest of the fellas. No Scots, Welsh or Irish in the house either... Odd.
Pamela seems to be attempting to out-'wacky' some of the housemates already, walking through the outdoor shower next to her 'VIP' area for no reason other than to kill a microphone and to get folk to ask her why she looks like she's wet. Maybe she doesn't think anyone is giving her enough attention, which might also explain why every few seconds she adopts a different porn-star pose.
Event-wise, not much seems to have happened so far. Blonde big tit slag revealed she has indulged in 'water-sports'; there's various name-drops of 'my boyfriend says...', although I think this is merely to make some of the girls seem unavailable, giving the manslags something of a challenge...
The channel 5 edit kinda fucks up any chance of following a conversation from beginning to end. They really need some sort of live-feed thing going on. It's just lazy them not doing that. Takes us back to the days of Craig and Nasty Nick. And that was only because no-one did internetting back then... Well, besides nerds and spies.
Conversation-wise, things seem to be struggling,...
Spearmint Rhino Hooker tries to defend her Spearmint Rhino Hooking job;
Manslag and Boyslag share sex adventure stories and offer to 'watch each other's back';
Brick Shithouse and Fruit Shoot boy compare wanking levels (apparently when you ejaculate you lost half your body's zinc, wowshit fact fans);
Spearmint Rhino Hooker claims she is the 'Robin Hood' of Spearmint Rhino Hookers;
Boyslag likes to respeck womans innit and not 'beat them' on the first night, oh and by the way womans... "wow you is hot innit. Gotta respeck womans."
And so... that's it for the first night. Don't think I missed anything... If I did, feel free to stick a comment in the box. And even if I didnt miss anything, put a comment. I like comments.
Friday, September 9
Here's a quick round-up of the wonderful* people** they've gathered***...
*Not really wonderful.
** Possibly not people.
*** Scooped out of the algae using a spork.
Has the Fruit Shoot energy of Jedward, but in a sort of grubby, finger-you-in-a-nightclub fashion...
In it to boost her media career. Using her vagina.
Arrogant idiot. Give the man an extra vertebra, watch him suck his own cock for the rest of time.
Scary model. Looks like she's the one they've put in to start arguments. I don't like her.
Tom is a wacky bisexual mop. Looks like he will no doubt attempt to put his penis in available hole. Let's hope there's a plug socket about when he's frisky.
Nuts magazine fodder. Learned belly dancing at school. This is why the country is fucked. She should have been taught algebra. Wore a nice pair of blowjob-handle earrings.
Pronounced 'Ah-Denn'. Nerdy virgin type that claims a big IQ. IQ in this case standing for 'Idiocy Quotient'.
The 'normal' dippy girl. She looks like the best bet for victory so far. Common as muck on a miner's boot.
The posh cock. They always have one of these. Will be incredibly disapproving of the 'wacky' housemates' antics up until about two weeks in when he will get accidentally pissed on cider and go crazy, fucking anything that moves, just like matron used to do.
The dirty dancer type. I reckon if you tapped her head you'd be hearing echoes for months. Although that'd probably get drowned out from the tassles she would undoubtable put on her tits at some point.
The self-proclaimed 'Fresh Prince Of Peckham'. Likes showing off his six-pack. Personality of a roll of sellotape.
The brick shithouse with the personality to match. They've not really gone all out on hiring clever people this time round, but then again, they've not really gone for mingers either.
The northern model. Watches 'Interleckchewal programs like Bargain Hunt'. We shall know her from this moment forward as 'Professor Louise'.
Oh, and Pamela Anderson is in there too. For no bloody decent reason.
Well, there you go... Let's see what happens...
*still waiting for jelly*
Wednesday, September 7
Friday, September 2
Right, for starters, Marcus can't pronounce the word 'host'. Hoooewerst.
Ok, so its between TumbleBob, PurpleDaz, HousewivesChoiceLucy or lovely, lovely Tara.
But first, a recap...
These 'previously on big brother' bits don't really match previous episodes. It's like theyre edited to fit the how's 'plot'... or is that cynicism?
Everyone was happy getting hot water back, because washing with cold water is impossible. Apparently.
Kerry and Lucian are falling in 'big brother love' which is similar to that syndrome thing when kidnap victims fall in love with their captors. Won't last in the real world.
The next task involved holding up bags of cotton wool for the chance to visit a supermarket. Woo.
I've decided I don't like Brian Dowling. No man should wear that much blusher.
Darryn threw a strop about the cotton wool task, and his face went purple. I'd vote him out but that'd mean wasting three phone calls. Evil channel 5.
Jedward proceeded to freakygonk Kerry and Bobby into submission for the second round of the task, succeeding with a lot of noise, meaning the slebs are stuck with fruit shoots, haribo and softcore porn now they're in charge of the shopping list. Yay
Oh, wait, they're actually being let out in public, on a trolley dash at a real supermarket. Well, I say a real supermarket, a Lidl.
So they got LOTS OF SWEETS and a billion bananas. But no biscuits. And no softcore porn. Which I would blame on Lidl more than anything.
Right, eviction time...
You bastards. Don't you read my blog? Stupid. Proves democracy is a pisspoor idea.
Go away now, you obviously don't listen to me.
Thursday, September 1
Oh look, today Brian is dressed like a Man From Uncle.
AND WHY THE HELL IS THERE SOMEONE IN A HARRY HILL MASK???!?!?!
That's just fucking creepy.
Right, so the recap of Tuesday. Everyone is pissed off at Bobby because he discussed nominations and now they have cold water. Which at least means Jedward won't be fucking about in the bath.
Amy and Pamela apparently have brought the same top into the house. This must be the reality show equivalent of wearing the same jumper as your dad.
Not much seems to be happening, I think this might be one of those episodes where the Big Brother people just let the slebs do their own bit of improvised entertainment. And seeing as none of these people, bar the Jeds, are in any way actually entertaining the episode is just talky talky.
The slebs now proceed to beg to stay in the house, Darryn's plea based on his entertaining 'personality', Pamela's based on 'If you dont all the babies will DIE'.
Tara and Pamela got in trouble for discussing nominations, and then hair-dryers got turned off. Jedward may die.
Next, Big Brother then created some kind of bizarre mutant cross breed housemates. Kerry got some FANTASTIC fake eyebrows, which turned her into Paddy. Even though he has relatively normal eyebrows.
The mutant clone task continued with some kind of blindness round. I don't really get why clones are linked to blindness. I was under the impression that the eye was one of the first things to be cloned successfully. After kidneys.
Fucking hell, Tara Reid in an Amy Childs costume is lovely. I'll buy that action figure.
Oh look, they've just put a cream pie all over her face and decolletage. Yeah, I'd do that too.
So, after all that euphamism-based fun, we're left with depressing 'feel sorry for me' sleb stories, and quiet contemplation. Dull telly, in other words. No doubt will look sensational printed in Heat magazines tomorrow...
Which leads us to Pamela getting evicted. Which she did. Amid everyone saying she was lovely and that. Two-faced bitches.
And then she got interviewed and I lost interest and had to go and watch In The Night Garden.
Which is very similar to Big Brother. But with less bonkersness.
Day teh mum welve
No hot water muh herfer mufen er mu mu.
Da numpties dun tha shoower relly quick like muh numer bo fernangle.
Ommer nommer shamo in der swim poo. No no no shamoo in der poo.
All de men do da gym wid da tiny gold shoorts and thrusting ooh fernagle.
Lucien mer fan oh nah nag nag boot Bobby. Fan to mallafer SHOOTING AND SHOOTING and der craic.
Pallemer no de tan proper and der orangener.
Er da Tarara god de big boobies top on terdy ah nummer nummer boobies. Bobby ner talk der to der boobies. Bobby be der bag ter be bad Bobby gein ner mo tummlewee.
Da Numpties do der tersherts wid der sizzers an Darrinin nummer wid me boud der punchin n crunchin n der meh daddy der daddy der daddy and ner ma sawful ting and der gonna pud der subtidles on me words an me talkin and me why fer fucks der talkin?
Amy ner makeen rumblegg and fuk a duk and in a binkini and der bouncy bouncy bouncy.
Anna der Tara in der Diarroom an der Olly murrs.
Luciun an fer noofle tinkin he be dwitchin his noodle in Kerrys hooha box. Woohay.
Der b-moovle acters gizzerm task bout fightin der vampers and der spookies and woo. Un der vamper teddies and der eatin der smoothy wid der garlings an der gip gip gip. An der no probble fer Tara an Amy fuggin slags widda swallow anthing. Tara der goodun at der swallow juice.
Der Bobby an der Darrun eading der shreddies an der garlings. no der gippings der brave soldiers and der yay. Bobby grrreat.
Der Kerri and permuller an der garling chonkler and kerri do der peddaling while der munchen. Pamilamler der chonkler chugger an then bleeerg la vommle.
Der Numpties do da Jelly Garlings an der gip an der gip and der dancungs an der gips. Der Jonnumptie der jelly winnser.
Luciun an der me do da garlings eyescrim an der me der winner an luciun der gip gip and der bid Brudder de enemy an der bollocks an me dyin. Fuck in a doctor n a preez.
An fer de verr bad an der bleeeark.
DER NOMNADIONS Y'BASTARD
Pallemer an Darrun. Ooooh yer bollocks.
Darrun der bein cross n grumpsome an der gonna stabbun and Pallemar gone der crazygrumpen.
Bobby der squirten de doors an gone der shhhhhhhhhhhhh. Darrun da thunken de guilty or mebbe they dun wunna say der bollocks coz der shogged. Prolly coz der fellin poorly gippen wid der garlings.
An der Checkov in der house and der nuclear wessels. Watchen der shonky fillum wid der Dokker Who an der boobies out. Der numptie munchen garlings kebab an der gippen an gippen an dyin in der kitchun like der Spong in der Wrat o Karn.
Der Amy doin der gossupin an der darrun gon bongers and sayin Tarara be bongers. Parranodder.
An der discussin an dercussin and dusicizzin an all da whoil i be watchin an watchin der shiddy fillum der bag o bollocks.
An der don poindin da finga ad Lunciun an der talkin un derscussin him n dat.
An der fuggin skellingtons. in glasses. Bastards yer bollocks. Der fucking numpties fucks sake.
Tink I gone der bongers. All fugged up n ah miss me womern and fecks sake a hugger fegger y'bollocks.
Din wanna see da fillum and disgusted yer Dokker Who and der bollocks and der Colly Furrell not der fuggin wanna not der bollocks and der huffa fish oudda warder ya bastard don men dawa and phew she wah dunno wad i mean dyo no wad i mean a fuggin feck in ye bastard.
Luciun der sleppin de nuddy and pudden his shirts on an chaddin der Darrun an he now a sheep an der BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA an he lubbin der Darrun and der meggin der poztivven and godda lot manlove ye fairies numpty bastards an he gonna be a man now an not a chicken.
Un das it. Ye fuggin bastards.
THE TOAST CASTLE DIED! NOOOOOO! :-(
Jedward wrapped Jedward in clingfilm.
Kerry got a bit sad.
well it's a bit dull to be honest. These Super-noodles are fucking fantastic, mind. Nom Nom Nom.
Right, anyway, from what i gather, everyone is going a bit bonkers. Which is fair, there's a guy who talks in mumbles, a guy with a michelin man tummy and a couple of Fruit Shoot gnomes, it's enough to send anyone mad.
Bobby has stopped being evil and has reverted to being Tumbleweed Bobby. Meh.
Well, this is awkward. Thanks to twitter I already know Pamela has gone. So... er...
Well, it's the usual excuses, "dont really know them that well" "they sleep talk" "I fucking despise their face"...
Right, that's that done. Next Kerry gave birth, helped by Jedward pushing down on her tummy.
If you are going into labour, don't push on your tummy. That's just fucking stupid.
Maybe someone should explain to Jedward where babies come from. Or maybe they just need to see a vagina for the first time.
Nominations continue, I got a bit bored and read the comments under Channel 5's On Demand feed.
Apparently according to Jazzy, "Hey jedward haters..these guys were cross-country athletes b4 they switched to music....they've done more than you lot i bet".
There are an awful lot of comments 'removed by moderator'. Methinks they probably include naughty words.
and you have to feel sorry for Perla, "I wish channel 5 were on live on their website, my parents are always on the tvs at night YES I HAVE TWO TVS AND THEY'RE ALWAYS USING IT! I honestly hate waiting till they upload it on here they take forever somtimes, and yes i am aware that bb has just aired on tv but if its not on this or youtube between 11-12 pm/am im going on a rampage."
of course, then Perla goes and ruins it with "cheryl cole". To which i can't find a context. I have looked. I spent 5 minutes looking. WHY, PERLA, WHY?!?
Oh good god, Jedward are now dressed like babies. I think I'm having a reverse erection.
Oooh tension, Bobby and Tara discussed nominations. It's very dull tension. Like a headache just before a bit of heavy rain.
Oh, that was it. Wow. Time flies when you're eating noodles.
It's Thursday today.
Friday Friday gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's looking forward to the weekend weekend.
TARA DANCED AROUND IN HER PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!
If I miss anything important, well, it's your own fault for ignoring me when i asked someone to do a guest blog spot.
Right, I missed Saturday's show first because I was catching up on Doctor Who because I had to go to the shops when that was on... so here's a recap of FRIDAY.
This is confusing. I need coffee.
Jedward learned to shave. They didn't die.
Sally Duvet is still in it. This is really confusing.
Paddy said "ar fanular tech opposite monaloa pon"
Jedward talked a lot while Darryn and Bad Bobby wrote a shopping list and got cross.
Everyone else complained about the shopping list and got cross.
Everone got cross.
Everyone went to sleep, sending Jedward on a rampage of boredom and e-numbers.
Jedward Vs Darryn.
Weapons used - Bread bag full of water.
Darryn's response - grumpy.
Jedward Vs Paddy.
Technique used - Wedgie.
Paddy's response - "ahre hur feh wedgie wedgie."
Jedward Vs Kerry.
Technique used - Verbal teasing.
Kerry's defence mechanism - Hiding in silly cardigan.
Jedward Vs Kerry. Rematch.
Weapons used - Bubble bath, water, wrong dancing.
Paddy's response - "weh ref fer aweh wid de fairies"
Amy was encouraged to learn Shakespeare. A cringeworthy display of thickness ruining the bard. Jedward responded with their own cod-philosophy. Which actually sounded wiser than Amy.
(I got an email advertising discount meat. But I realised it was just Spam)
Sally got evicted. See the world go 'Meh'.
Jedward had a tin of tuna with ketchup. The food of kings.
Meanwhile, in Doctor Who, the character Mels was introduced out of nowhere, and a confusing backstory was crowbarred into the plot to try and make her inclusion seem clever. When really it just came across as half arsed and lazy.
Pamela was a bit sad.
Turns out I didnt miss much...
Friday, August 26
It's time for a live eviction. Woo.
Oh look, its Brian, the nervous floppy armed honk. Slightly better hair this week. That is the only improvement.
Then the longest recap in the world, making the 'live' label of the show rather redundant.
The slebs continue to be dressed in Oz gear, which is good because it means I hadn't eaten cheese and gone bonkers last night.
Not sure which is the kinkiest image, scarecrow Amy or munchkin Tara. Maybe I could toss a coin...
But, enough tossing...
Paddy said 'sausage' while dressed as a dog. No doubt trying to get a job with Walls.
Jedward were dressed as gnomes, and one of them had a bra on his head. I cannot comment on this.
Bad Bobby thinks the reason he should stay in the house is because he 'has the most to learn from the experience'. or most likely to stab everyone with a spatula.
Kerry thinks she should stay in the house because she is 'a bit of a laugh and blah blah blah blah and a bit of a laugh.'
Sally wants to stay in to piss off the Daily Mail. And er...
...thats it. I don't like her.
Pamela then had to prove her bravery against a scary leprechaun, armed with polystyrene cups. Well, I say scary... kind of like Will Ferrell on valium with a croaky voice. She passed, without gaining any stigmata. Irritatingly.
Then everyone went to sleep, apart from the Fruit Shoot gnomes. Who proceeded to be noisy irritating bastards, waking Amy up, shaving foam attacking Evil Dorothy Bobby. Such a bonkers bit of telly, a cross dressing bearded Dorothy chasing a squealing gnome around with a hand full of white gooeyness.
The Wizard of Oz task, sponsored by Neurofen Plus (read the news, kids) was passed, despite the best efforts of Kerry, fag addict and Paddy the dog.
A party ensued, meaning Bobby got to hide in a mattress fort, probably making evil plans. Tara showed everyone how to dance, by staring at people like a bonkers fool. Kerry did a little wee. Lucien possibly came in his pants.
And there you go, that was last night. Eviction time...
And my tellybox just crashed. Hang on a minute. Fucks sake...
Thursday, August 25
In the aftermath of Bobby becoming evil, Darryn spent Wednesday's show trying to dig himself out of a well of hatred, probably straining his fake tummy lumps.
Bad Bobby showed no regrets for basically destroying Bibendum, and may well have saved himself from eviction.
Evil is fun when it battles evil.
The poor weather put the slebs on a downer, as they lounged about talking their cod sleb philosophy. Mostly, this was a pile of nonsense, removed of all credibility as the slebs' hairdos got gradually more 'in progress' throughout the day.
Amy decided she didn't like Bad Bobby, a feeling that is apparently mutual, and will probably result in friction and Shenanigans later in the series.
Mrs Hoff displayed an inability to cook nice looking food (although to be fair, I thought it looked Yummy, but ill eat any old shite) or pronounce the word 'risotto' correctly
Rizz-oh-toe. Shut up.
Jedward ate beans in a sauna as the mood in the house made Tara cry. I don't know whether it was the impending and inevitable arguments or the heated Irish clone darts, but obviously something needed cutting with a knife, tension or methane.
The daily task split Jedward into two people, through the use of electrodes and spandex. This was as immensely hilarious as idiots in pain always is.
The twins did seem to struggle being apart, and even referring to themselves as their actual names.
As funny as watching a couple of day-glo condom men giving each other anal electric pain.
Paddy gave Lucien relationship advice... "a hefeluhga meermer per pussycat doll fluffanuff"
One of the Jedwards had a fake wedding, marrying Amy. Basically an excuse for a slow motion shot of Amy's knockers in a corset. The other Jedward looked slightly suicidal at the thought of losing their twin. Although to be fair, in a week or so's time he'll be getting a blowie off of Tara.
Everyone then got pissed and bitched about their fame and subsequent press coverage. Like a vicious circle of famous money bullshit.
Bad Bobby continued to go evil, talking to a camera window, calling Kerry 'gross' and everyone else 'fucking children'. Why he didn't go in the diary room for a rant is beyond me, but he then proceeded to wander round the house chuntering to camera windows like a tramp who's lost his shoe.
He is now Beyond Bonkers Bad Bobby.
And he will get worse.
Footnote: my missus says she doesnt like Kerry's rabbit jumper. This is her contribution to be blog.
Wednesday, August 24
So, the highlight of last night's besides Jedward pissing everyone off by giving Amy a wedgie was the bizarre and unexplained transformation of Bobby from uninteresting beautiful plank into some kind of loudmouth twisted evil genius. It's like he's been some kind of sleeper agent waiting for the right codeword, inadvertently mumbled by Paddy (fantastic 'sausage' mumble last night).
Dismissing Amy as a gold-digger, and basically coming across with a basic hatred of everyone, I foresee Bad Bobby treading the fine line between 'entertaining bastard', saving himself from eviction, and 'fucking bastard', getting some kind of 'vote him out' campaign going on by the crazy people who actually vote on such things.
Other highlights from last night include more shots of Darryn's scary 8-pack, Sally Duvet attempting to make a cleaning rota, causing the housemates to react like she'd just written Mein Kampf in veal blood.
So, there you go. Bad Bobby will destroy the universe.
Tuesday, August 23
Monday, August 22
Missed Sunday's show as I was all knackered from seeing monkeys, but caught up today. What did I miss?
- Darryn showing off a bizarre fat six pack. Confusingly odd. Almost as fake as Tara's boobs.
- Tara giving Jedward and Jedward erections by quoting the Big Lebowski
- Mohammed Al Fayed popping in to drop off some perve at the girls and give them his number.
- One of Jedward not being able to get up when tied up. This may prove useful when I kidnap them...
- Paddy getting all upset after talking to his kids. "ah ferm Ye bollocks".
- Darryn's life story. Zzz.
- Lucian making a Hot or Not list, interrupted by Kerry walking in... "yeah I do watch cricket." He says. And he is a well paid actor.
- Egyptian costumes and booze. What a fantastic idea. Oh dear.
- Lucian and Amy's not at all deliberately forced romance continues to continue... zzz.
- Tara doesn't like Darryn. The first sign that she has a soul.
- Bobby the Moggle continues to nod and smile, like he knows what is happening.
Think that's about it... didn't miss much. Prefer monkeys.
Sunday, August 21
So, bollocks all happened on last night's show.
Jedward did a few random acts of Wowshit, but other than that nothing.
What we basically got was the middle of the first day, between Friday's round up and the final few minutes of Saturday's show, about eight hours of nigh on Bugger all.
So, instead of listing the various activities performed by Messrs Jedward I instead post this picture I took at Trentham Monkey Forest today. See if you can match any of the monkey faces with the slebs on tonight's show, and maybe shout them out to annoy your sister in law, who is trying to do a sudoku.
(To be honest, this is about all you're gonna get on a Sunday. Sunday is my busy day)
Friday, August 19
So, we get the slebs coming down a big walkway, well out of reach of the screaming plebians, filmed from below on the off-chance we might see their knickers, as they make their way to Brian, only to ignore his pleas for attention and pose for the cameras, causing the poor little choirboy to stand in the background pouting as once again, the papps attempt to see nipples or better.
So, who have we got in the house?
First in is former Nuclear Pussy, drunk interviewee and everyone's favourite bankrupt tv star, Kerry Katona, sporting a "i am so annoying and random woo hoo" attitude along with Yazz's hair. She handles herself quite well, obviously adept at such reality shenanigans, and doesn't make me want to stab her face off with a brick.
So, they dump recovering alcoholic Kerry in the house filled with Champagne and welcome Sleb number two...
Tara Reid was in American Pie, Josie & The Pussycats and no other movies that I have seen. I thought she'd been in the remake of Day of the Dead, but that was Mena Suvari. Thats a bloody awful movie, I could have done better using a flannel. Anyway...
Tara has aged well in the intervening years since she actually did anything, although she does look like she's suffering from a twelve year hangover. When Brian interviews her, she alternates between confused, bewildered and GIN!!! and croaks along accordingly.
When she gets to the top of the steps, nervously defying gravity due to silly shoes, the doors don't open straight away. No-one notices, but Tara makes a note to remind us for the rest of the night.
On a bonus note, I don't think she was wearing any knickers.
Next in is Father Jack from Father Ted, cunningly disguised as Paddy the scary gypsy from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Fortunately I had subtitles on because the only word that actually made sense out of the utter babble that he mumbled was the word 'bollocks'.
Clearly, he's been included in the house to stir up some sort of middle class outrage, although I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up being the grumpy old man, sat in the corner tutting.
On entering the house, he mumbles something at Kerry, she seems to recognise him. Tara recounts her door not opening story, sounds like she's already finished the first bottle of lambrini.
Next in the house is semi-professional pair of breasts and everyone's least generic woman from The Only Way Is Essex, Amy Childs. She ignores Brian better than anyone else, and successfully gets Big Brother a three page spread in Nuts.
On entering the house, she sees her friend Kerry desperately getting everyone drinks, like a party host who knows that if he doesn't stop serving his guests he'll end up plastered on brandy. Tara tells Amy about the door, Paddy might or might not know her, I think he said "arse feck girls".
Next in is 'Mr Papperazi', a fat bloke called Darren who seems to be trapped in the darker, more sinister end of a mid-life crisis. With his 'wacky' pink mohican and 'crazy' clothes, I predict he will emerge as a right boring idiot. Either that or he'll get stabbed.
Tara is now well past tipsy by the time he enters the house, as she says she recognises him from "Princess William's wedding". Kerry and Amy eye him up like he's shit on Satan's shoe, and Paddy mumbles something, probably about kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse.
Next in is Mrs 'The Speaker of the House of Commons', who controversially wore a towel once or something.
Clearly she's just bored with being the wife of someone important and boring, and just wants to slag herself about a bit, because she is all 'independent' and such. Silly bitch.
Only Darren seems to recognise her when she goes in, probably to her annoyance (this is 'wacky independent dressed in a duvet' lady after all). Kerry performs her duties as party host adequately, as Duvet says she doesn't drink - "what do you want? Water?"
It's a sad day when even Kerry Katona won't offer a Panda Pop.
Next in was 12-year old Lucian from Corrie. With a pair of curtains tucked into his trousers he appears to be filling in the token black/young/end-of-rather-than-beginning-of-career slot that none of the other housemates seem to fill.
No doubt be expects a bit of sex from the experience, what with all the slaggy girls and no competition. He'll be disappointed I reckon...
Besides, I thought there was a curfew on teenage kids from Manchester at the moment... lets hope there's not a Poundland in the BB house or it might get looted.
Next in is Pamela Something-Hasselhoff. Drunk as a fish in a barrel of ethanol, not only did she attempt to dry hump Brian into a sweaty heap she also nigh on lost control of her über-platform-shoed feet up the stairs. I really doubt she'll come out of this experience with a modicum of respect and/or dignity. She had the most bonkers quote of the night, entering the house she was "as you Londoners say, I'm Norkered."
norkered (n. naw-kord) Something Londoners say.
Following her was an incredible beautiful piece of plywood man, that appears to be there purely to make my missus frisky. Not sure what his name was though, I missed it over all the panting and wolf-whistling. Personality of a slice of dry toast, mind. Burnt dry toast. No doubt he'll be in love with one of the girls by the end of the series, thereby scoring a spin off 'The Next Chapter' show. That only women will watch.
That damn hateful gorgeous hunk bastard.
The Archdukes of Wowshit themselves, the Jedward. Conjoined twins sponsored by hair gel and fruit shoot. Bouncing around in teddy bear shoes with Tony The Tiger cloaks and the wonderfully naiive attitude of a nine year old in a sweet shop. The walking e-numbers walked on to an equal mix of boos and cheers, and will no doubt leave to the same.
I will be cheering them, mind. For some reason, like watching a fly trying to escape through a pane of glass, they are infintely watchable. And for some bizarre reason I think they deserve greatness.
Oh, and they were wearing Jeggings too. Which is just bonkers.
For some reason, Tara failed to mention the non-opening door to them. Probably she suspected they would produce Fisher Price tool kits and attempt to fix them with a plastic spanner. Either that or she was past the point of talking like a human.
Gotta love lambrini.
So, a full twenty four hours late according to the billboard ads, we got the return of Big Brother, which we were promised had been killed by viewer apathy and Davina McCall getting fed up that she couldn't do anything else on tv.
But no, it was revived by the disputed-only-by-itv2 king of tv clag, Channel 5 and kept from getting musty with the strategic and somewhat desperate sponsorship of a moisturiser and zit cream peddler.
Instead of Davina, we get her slightly-more-feminine pet, 'Ultimate Housemate' (read 'best of a bad bunch') Brian Dowling, stood rigid, clinging onto his oversized 1970s microphone like he's about to fall to his death if he let's go.
His kid-friendly Graham Norton act comes across more like a dazed Song for Ireland presenter than prime time populist host.
He wasn't helped by the duck's arse on his head, which served only to make his wooden delivery come across like he's been asked to read an essay about Red Indians in front of the whole school, but he spent too long learning about cowboys.
Marcus, the voice over guy has returned, this time employed with providing a much more sarcastic Come Dine With Me Attitude, spoiled somewhat by the forced inclusion of the word 'chicken'. Because he says it funny.
So, anyway, we get a quick glimpse of the gimmick-free (for a change) house, with its designer furniture (DFS has designers, yes?) as well as gym, steam room and pool, included no doubt to keep the celeb ladies toned and their photos printed in Nuts magazine.
And then we get the rogues gallery of failed stars, reality tv types and wannabes...
(To be continued)