So, we get the slebs coming down a big walkway, well out of reach of the screaming plebians, filmed from below on the off-chance we might see their knickers, as they make their way to Brian, only to ignore his pleas for attention and pose for the cameras, causing the poor little choirboy to stand in the background pouting as once again, the papps attempt to see nipples or better.
So, who have we got in the house?
First in is former Nuclear Pussy, drunk interviewee and everyone's favourite bankrupt tv star, Kerry Katona, sporting a "i am so annoying and random woo hoo" attitude along with Yazz's hair. She handles herself quite well, obviously adept at such reality shenanigans, and doesn't make me want to stab her face off with a brick.
So, they dump recovering alcoholic Kerry in the house filled with Champagne and welcome Sleb number two...
Tara Reid was in American Pie, Josie & The Pussycats and no other movies that I have seen. I thought she'd been in the remake of Day of the Dead, but that was Mena Suvari. Thats a bloody awful movie, I could have done better using a flannel. Anyway...
Tara has aged well in the intervening years since she actually did anything, although she does look like she's suffering from a twelve year hangover. When Brian interviews her, she alternates between confused, bewildered and GIN!!! and croaks along accordingly.
When she gets to the top of the steps, nervously defying gravity due to silly shoes, the doors don't open straight away. No-one notices, but Tara makes a note to remind us for the rest of the night.
On a bonus note, I don't think she was wearing any knickers.
Next in is Father Jack from Father Ted, cunningly disguised as Paddy the scary gypsy from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Fortunately I had subtitles on because the only word that actually made sense out of the utter babble that he mumbled was the word 'bollocks'.
Clearly, he's been included in the house to stir up some sort of middle class outrage, although I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up being the grumpy old man, sat in the corner tutting.
On entering the house, he mumbles something at Kerry, she seems to recognise him. Tara recounts her door not opening story, sounds like she's already finished the first bottle of lambrini.
Next in the house is semi-professional pair of breasts and everyone's least generic woman from The Only Way Is Essex, Amy Childs. She ignores Brian better than anyone else, and successfully gets Big Brother a three page spread in Nuts.
On entering the house, she sees her friend Kerry desperately getting everyone drinks, like a party host who knows that if he doesn't stop serving his guests he'll end up plastered on brandy. Tara tells Amy about the door, Paddy might or might not know her, I think he said "arse feck girls".
Next in is 'Mr Papperazi', a fat bloke called Darren who seems to be trapped in the darker, more sinister end of a mid-life crisis. With his 'wacky' pink mohican and 'crazy' clothes, I predict he will emerge as a right boring idiot. Either that or he'll get stabbed.
Tara is now well past tipsy by the time he enters the house, as she says she recognises him from "Princess William's wedding". Kerry and Amy eye him up like he's shit on Satan's shoe, and Paddy mumbles something, probably about kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse.
Next in is Mrs 'The Speaker of the House of Commons', who controversially wore a towel once or something.
Clearly she's just bored with being the wife of someone important and boring, and just wants to slag herself about a bit, because she is all 'independent' and such. Silly bitch.
Only Darren seems to recognise her when she goes in, probably to her annoyance (this is 'wacky independent dressed in a duvet' lady after all). Kerry performs her duties as party host adequately, as Duvet says she doesn't drink - "what do you want? Water?"
It's a sad day when even Kerry Katona won't offer a Panda Pop.
Next in was 12-year old Lucian from Corrie. With a pair of curtains tucked into his trousers he appears to be filling in the token black/young/end-of-rather-than-beginning-of-career slot that none of the other housemates seem to fill.
No doubt be expects a bit of sex from the experience, what with all the slaggy girls and no competition. He'll be disappointed I reckon...
Besides, I thought there was a curfew on teenage kids from Manchester at the moment... lets hope there's not a Poundland in the BB house or it might get looted.
Next in is Pamela Something-Hasselhoff. Drunk as a fish in a barrel of ethanol, not only did she attempt to dry hump Brian into a sweaty heap she also nigh on lost control of her über-platform-shoed feet up the stairs. I really doubt she'll come out of this experience with a modicum of respect and/or dignity. She had the most bonkers quote of the night, entering the house she was "as you Londoners say, I'm Norkered."
norkered (n. naw-kord) Something Londoners say.
Following her was an incredible beautiful piece of plywood man, that appears to be there purely to make my missus frisky. Not sure what his name was though, I missed it over all the panting and wolf-whistling. Personality of a slice of dry toast, mind. Burnt dry toast. No doubt he'll be in love with one of the girls by the end of the series, thereby scoring a spin off 'The Next Chapter' show. That only women will watch.
That damn hateful gorgeous hunk bastard.
The Archdukes of Wowshit themselves, the Jedward. Conjoined twins sponsored by hair gel and fruit shoot. Bouncing around in teddy bear shoes with Tony The Tiger cloaks and the wonderfully naiive attitude of a nine year old in a sweet shop. The walking e-numbers walked on to an equal mix of boos and cheers, and will no doubt leave to the same.
I will be cheering them, mind. For some reason, like watching a fly trying to escape through a pane of glass, they are infintely watchable. And for some bizarre reason I think they deserve greatness.
Oh, and they were wearing Jeggings too. Which is just bonkers.
For some reason, Tara failed to mention the non-opening door to them. Probably she suspected they would produce Fisher Price tool kits and attempt to fix them with a plastic spanner. Either that or she was past the point of talking like a human.
Gotta love lambrini.